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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22929256">Don't let go</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glitterbree/pseuds/Glitterbree'>Glitterbree</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>MASH, MASH (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Bullying, M/M, some self harm, some thoughts of suicide</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 06:54:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,759</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22929256</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glitterbree/pseuds/Glitterbree</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Radar looked up at the dark haired Captain and he instantly went back to being six years old, hugging his mama tight as she dropped him off at the school house, not wanting her to go. But Hawkeye wasn’t his mama. And he knew the Captain being his “dad” was just for fun. Radar couldn’t hold him back, he had lives to actually save. He needed his rest.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>"Trapper" John McIntyre &amp; Radar O'Reilly, "Trapper" John McIntyre/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Henry Blake/Radar O'Reilly, only small of that</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>62</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Don't let go</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Thanks to the M*A*S*H Discord I did THIS. </p><p>shout out to Angst Queen Abby, Andy the bot, rinscribbles, swamp witch, Legally baby, andydeer | lordnochybaty, braigwen, maddie | horaetio</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Two more days. Two more days and it marks two weeks since Henry's death.  </p><p>Radar let out a heavy sigh as he caught a glimpse of himself. He didn't look like he was being punched in the eyes every night, now it’s just slightly pinker rims that his glasses could easily distract from. </p><p>Another sigh as he turned away from his own reflection to his office/bedroom. Papers, files, everything out of place because Major Frank Burns wanted any old records of patents destroyed.</p><p> “Doesn’t he know this is illegal?” Barely a whisper as he checked dates on documents. This war wasn't even two years old, what did he mean by old? </p><p>His only saving grace was that he’s bunking in the Swamp. So he knew he had a place to rest. Or at the very least lay down.</p><p>Trying to figure out this dumb task, while also fighting the urge to kick and scream the Corporal was startled by three officers.</p><p>One Major Houlihan was doing her best to make herself big protesting against the Captains barging in the C.O’s office. </p><p>“HE’S A VERY BUSY MAN!”</p><p>Hawkeye stopped in place. Looking around this dump seeing Radar up to his eyeballs in nonsense. For God’s sake no wonder they haven’t been able to spend anytime with their adopted son, look at what he’s making him do. It never seems to stop. </p><p>“Yeah, I can see that very well.” Hawkeye pushed right though Margaret catching up to Trapper at the door.</p><p>Margaret glanced down at Radar with a sympathetic look and followed the Captains.</p><p>This was getting under his skin too. Not being able to read other people anymore. And going in blind, not feeling others emotions and thoughts was terrifying.</p><p> </p><p>____________________________________________________________________________</p><p>The officers looked down at Frank as he polished his new name plate. That dumb smile on his lips was quickly whipped off when he saw the doctors. </p><p>“Failure to salute a superior officer!” His beady eyes getting smaller as Trapper sat down without any command.  </p><p>Hawkeye was standing eye to eye with Frank trying to find the right words that did not involve his fist. </p><p>Frank quickly glanced at Margaret to find some courage from her and then back to Hawkeye.<br/>
“I have things to do, so out with it!” </p><p>“By things to do, you mean dumping meaningless work on Radar right?!”</p><p>Trapper placed his feet on Franks desk. “Henry's seat wasn't even cold and you had him on his hands and knees scrubbing the cement floor.”</p><p>Hawkeye swallowed that painful memory down “And now what?”</p><p>“Well this place was filthy! And if you must know I’m having him destroy any old documents we don’t need to keep this place going, Henry always liked to hang on to garbage.” He found his courage again. “No no. Not me, we must make room for new patients to keep this war afloat. No need to hang on to the old one’s.” </p><p>A smug smirk was on his face he turned to look at his colleagues only to find their jaws had dropped. </p><p>“So,” Hawkeye trying hard not to see red. “Not only are you not giving him any down time at all, but you’re making him do something EXTREMELY ILLEGAL!” </p><p> Panic fell over Frank. “Well how was I supposed to know!?”</p><p>Trapper, still sitting. “You have been doing nothing but barking orders at Radar and he needs a break, we all need a break! Could you lighten up on him!?”</p><p>Fank could feel them all gang up on him. “I’ll call him in.” Looking them all in the eye as he called out for his young company clerk. </p><p>________________________________________________________________________</p><p>There was no point in continuing this task so Radar just stopped, he wasn't even interested in  knowing what all the yelling was about. He was just...tired. </p><p>Frank had him so busy the only times he could process what happened to Henry was at light’s out, over a drink hoping it would help silent his cries. </p><p>The Captains knew, they were the only ones that knew what went on between Henry and himself. The day Radar got the call, after hours of surgery the doctors gathered him and his things up and moved Radar right in. Not wanting him alone in this state of mind.</p><p>Radar brushed his hand to the locked drawer of his desk. The one that contained small notes and pictures of both of them, he almost had his hand to the key…</p><p>“O’Reilly, my office!”</p><p>Throwing his head back, he took a deep breath and got up.</p><p>__________________________________________________________________________</p><p>You didn’t need The Gift to pick up on what everyone was feeling, it was cold, miserable and Radar knew he did not want to be the main focus. </p><p>He stood at attention not making eye contact with anyone. “Yes sir.”</p><p>“O’Reilly.” Frank was focused on him. “The officers seem to think I’m putting too much on you, do you feel that way as well?”</p><p>Biting his tongue wanting to crack a joke at the Majors expense but honestly, he was too exhausted to make Hawkeye and Trapper laugh at a cheap joke.   </p><p>“Well!?” </p><p>That impatiens in his voice, the annoyed look on his face. Something about it made the Corporals stomach turn. And before he knew it he let out the truth.</p><p>“Yes sir.” He was going to regret it, he knew that much.</p><p>“I suppose, you want something special because you and Colonel Blake were... close?”  </p><p>Radar slowly made eye contact with the Major, trying to contain his shaking. God he wished he could read what Frank was thinking right now? What did he mean by that? </p><p>Hawkeye stepped closer to the teen, thinking he could calm him down. Trapper still sitting but ready to pounce if need be.</p><p> </p><p>“Well you want to know what I think, TOUGH! Blake was unfit to run this operation and the sooner you forget about him, the better off you will be. And don’t think I don’t know that if it was me on that plane being shot down you all would be dancing and singing about it! You will be given NO special treatment because your pal died OUT of battle. This is the Army soldier START ACTING LIKE IT!”</p><p>Radar’s eyes went blank as his heart and stomach were trying to find their way out of his throat. He could feel his fingernails break this skin of his palm trying to remember to breath. </p><p>Hearing Margaret softly whisper Franks name shook Radar out of his little spell, he finally replied with a yes sir. </p><p>“Will that be all sir?”</p><p>Frank was coming down from his power high when he dismissed the Corporal. </p><p>Radar got out of there quick with Hawkeye on his tail.</p><p>Trapper kicked Franks desk, causing Frank to backup onto the wall as he was being glared down by the more feral of the Captains. He too quickly made his way out of the office, both of the doctors scooping up their young friend before he could get himself into deep trouble, or hurt.   </p><p>__________________________________________________________________________</p><p>Frank sitting angry and frustrated. ‘Why are they always undermining me?’ He<br/>
thought, he was also starting to feel it from Margaret. </p><p>He was never any good at calming down and Margaret felt it was her duty to try and help him. “Frank, I know where you’re coming from, but don’t you think you're being too hard on the boy?”</p><p>He held his breath as a preventive from screaming at her. </p><p>To Frank, Radar was just a brat that got special treatment because he was a kid. Henry let HIM run the camp, let HIM go to Officers only clubs, HE never got in trouble. It was always Franks fault. But now that Henry was out of the picture, he could fix O’Reilly, and if he broke him well... Corporals were replaceable. </p><p>He seemed to smile at the thought of hurti...fixing him.The only thing getting in his way was the Captains.</p><p>He let out the breath he'd been holding for awhile now and took the Majors hands into his own.</p><p>“Oh Margaret, can’t you see I’m trying to enforce some discipline on the Corporal?” His smile only seemed to get brighter as he turned his attention to the mail in front of him.</p><p>There it was, a blessing. Captain John Mcintyers papers. He’ll be sent home in 2 day! Frank could have danced, but how does he use this to his advantage?</p><p>“You know, I think Mcintyre is right?” He reached around his desk.</p><p>“Oh?” She asked with more concern in her voice that she meant to have.</p><p>“Well, my doctors do need to be in tip top shape.” He giggled while writing out a R&amp;R pass.</p><p>_________________________________________________________________________</p><p>He didn’t break too much skin, just enough for it to be annoying to touch things.</p><p>After Radar was done inspecting his own hand Hawkeye placed a tumbler full of “gin” in front of him and proceeded to disinfect the small wounds. </p><p>The tumbler was originally Henry’s. Radar took it away from him as he was packing. He remembered that better sweet day, saying Henry could get it back once they meet back up. After this war. He remembered what would be their last kiss.</p><p>This glass was supposed to be a physical promise to see each other, and now it was a tool used to numb his pain.</p><p>Hawkeye patted the teens head, “You’re all good. I should prescribe you a week's worth of sleep.” </p><p>“Thank you doctor.” Radar said with whatever humor he could gather.</p><p>A week of sleep sounded great. More often with death certificates, the blood, losing man he gave his heart too, and Frank kicking him at his lowest, the thought of never waking up again was sounding like a better prescription. </p><p>He wouldn't give Major Burns satisfaction. He hoped so at least. </p><p>The sound of Trapper throwing darts caught both of their attention.</p><p>“So let’s put some money down” Trapper said missing the bulls-eye slightly, “what do you think will happen first? This war ending, or Frank finally getting the boot?” </p><p>Hawkeye making his way to the still.  “Oh that's a tough one, how much we putting down?”</p><p>“Well,” Trapper was pulling back his arm ready to aim. “ I got 50 bucks saying I get him between the eye’s with this dart.”</p><p>Both of them wiped their heads to Radar, hearing him laugh in what seemed like years brought  warmth to the room.</p><p>“Okay,” Hawkeye not wanting to lose this wonderful sound keeped it up, “I got 75 saying I'll be the one to pants him in front of a General.” Radar laughed a little harder</p><p>Trapper walked over to the Corporal and crouched down, “Hay Hawk look at these!” poking at his dimples “have you ever seen anything more cute!”</p><p>Taking a sip of his martini, finding himself next to his bunk mates, Hawkeye was ruffling up Radars hair. “Not in some time.”</p><p>“Sir’s please,” waving them off, “I’m trying to drink.” Ending the statement gulping down the rest of his gin. He wanted this moment to last longer too. He missed smiling. So he’ll keep this one on for a little while longer.  </p><p>Poking and playing wanting to bring some sort of life back, no matter how long it would last. He just wished it was longer than this. </p><p>Radar jumped up as Major Burns entered the tent. </p><p>“An enlisted man in a officers tent, I will never get over that.”</p><p>“Yeah, like you never got over your wife.” Trapper jab. </p><p>Radar bit his lip, hoping a snicker wouldn't escape.</p><p>“Pierce, tomorrow R&amp;R for one night.”</p><p>Hawkeye almost dropped his martini glass out of shock. “Now i’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but why?” </p><p>“Well as MY chief surgeon I need you to be rested.” Frank tried to put his hand on the Captains shoulder, but Hawkeye slid away. “Now i could only afford you away for one night, you’ll leave for Seoul tomorrow at 1600 hours.” </p><p>“Hun?” </p><p>“Four o’clock sir.” Radar said in a small voice</p><p>The excitement to leave this place for any small amount of any civilization was instantly gone as he looked down at Radar. How could he go anywhere not knowing if he was safe?</p><p>Trapper looked at Hawkeye, like he knew what he was thinking and gave him a reassuring look. </p><p>With a sigh he took the R&amp;R pass. </p><p>“Well now that we are all settled,” Frank turned his attention to the youngest man of the group. “O’Reilly, your qurders are out of order and you need to clean it up. Come with me.”</p><p>“Hey now! He’s off duty!” Hawkeye protested. </p><p>Trapper went to sit Radar back down.</p><p>“He’s off duty when i say so, Captain. And if you want that pass you better know your place. O’Reilly!”</p><p>Hawkeye was about to speak up again. </p><p>“No Hawk, it's fine.” The Corporal moved past the Captains knowing that fighting wasn’t worth it.</p><p>______________________________________________________________________________________</p><p>‘It’s not that bad.’ Radar thought, until Major Burns opened the door.</p><p>It was like a tornado hit. Nothing was where he left it. Neatly stacks of papers shoved off his desk. The drawers of the filing cabinet were on the ground. The wires to the switchboard all pulled out.</p><p>“Wha-?”</p><p>“I want this place spotless.” Major Burns commanded.</p><p>Hot tears rimmed Radars eyes as he gave a small nod.. He took a step only to be stopped by the Major grabbing his face. </p><p>A small noise escaped him as the taller higher ranked man forced eye contact, “Yes what?” Frank snarled. His sharp fingers squashing Radars cheeks together so his lips puckered.</p><p>“Yes... sir.” Radar struggled getting the words out.</p><p>Frank looked him up and down, enjoying the fear in the Corporals eyes leaning into him, their nose’s almost touching. Radar was in a panic not knowing the Majors' intentions. Trembling as Frank went to his ear, lip’s almost touching his lobe.</p><p>“You smell like cheap gin.” Frank whispered. He finally let Radar go with a vicious push. Another wimpier was let out as he stumble backwards.</p><p> “You will not be permitted to bed until this office is spotless, do i make myself clear O’Reilly”</p><p>Radar quickly responded. “Yes sir.” Nodding his head frantically, holding his face.</p><p>“Good.” With a proud smile he left the teen to himself.</p><p>Dropping down on his knees still clutching his face, wondering how someone could be so cruel. He held back on crying out, soggy tears fell down his cheeks. </p><p>The urge to never wake up was getting stronger.</p><p>______________________________________________________________________________________</p><p>“Only one night, I don't need to pack much”</p><p>Trapper throwing a pair of socks at Hawkeye “You didn't pack at all.” </p><p>Hawkeye grinned, opening the door for Trapper and himself.</p><p>The Jeep was waiting for the chief surgeon. Next to it was Radar.</p><p>The kid looked worse for wear. Trapper made his way to Radar, softly putting his arm around him. Hawkeye was starting to feel a little nervous about going out. </p><p>“Hey. Are you going to be okay?” </p><p>Radar looked up at the dark haired Captain and he instantly went back to being six years old, hugging his mama tight as she dropped him off at the school house, not wanting her to go. But Hawkeye wasn’t his mama. And he knew the Captain being his “dad” was just for fun. Radar couldn’t hold him back, he had lives to actually save. He needed his rest. </p><p>Radar met his eyes with a small smile, “I’m a big boy now, I’ll be fine.” Trapper rubbed his shoulders while Hawkeye went in for a hug. </p><p>Hawkeye gently squeezed him, feeling him relax in his arms. “You want me to bring you back anything?”  </p><p>The teen shook his head in Hawkeyes chest, “If you see something i might like.” </p><p>He squeezed a little tighter, looking up at Trapper. “And you”</p><p>“Bring me back a meatball sub. From Hanks. No one there is named Hank... but, best meatball subs in Korea.”</p><p>Hawkeye could feel Radar chuckle a bit in his chest, still squeezing he whispered, “Don’t do anything dumb, or I’ll wright to your Ma and tell her how awful you where.”</p><p>Radar looked up, meeting the Captains eyes with a gentle smile and nodded. He didn't want to let go, but he had to.</p><p>They watched as the Hawkeye drove off. His hands still on Radars shoulders, a sign letting him know he was protected. “So what's on are agenda for the rest of the day?”</p><p>“Well sir,” He turned to him, lifting his glasses to rub his pink tired eyes. “ I have to count inventory.” </p><p>“Okay, we have inventory.” Trapper started heading toward the supply tent.</p><p>“Oh sir, you don’t...”</p><p>“Radar, I know how to count and you could use a nap. And i'm not going to argue with you about it.”</p><p>“Thank you.” He said it so light and soft you could have missed it. </p><p>Both taking a step only for Frank to pop up in front of them. “Mcintyre why aren't you packing?”</p><p>Trapper and Radar looked at each other and then back to Frank. “Packing, you’re letting me on R&amp;R too?”</p><p>“No.” Handing Trapper the papers, “You’re going home. Tomorrow morning.”</p><p>Radar swallowed hard, “Should I get a Jeep ready for tomorrow sir?”</p><p>“You, no. That supply tent is going to take you the rest of today and a good part of tomorrow, you are not permitted to take Mcintyre to the chopper pad.”</p><p>“When did you get this?”</p><p>“Just today. Congratulations you’re out of the Army.” Frank side quite smug then focusing his attention back to Radar. “You should be in the supply tent now.” </p><p>“But i…”</p><p>“Now!” The Major grabbed his arm practically dragging him to the tent.</p><p>Trapper still in disbelief looking hard at his papers. He's going home.  </p><p>____________________________________________________________________________________</p><p>	Radar found some time to hastily wrap a going away gift for Trapper. He felt miserable, no big going away party, only a hastily made cake and some goodbye hugs. Even the Captains best friend didn’t know about this sudden departure. This had Franks hand-prints all over it.</p><p>Looking over his shoulder, the last thing he wanted was to be stooped by Frank. He stared making his way to the Swamp .</p><p> Knocking on the door Trapper opened up, “You sleep here, there's no need to knock.”</p><p>“I know, but still.” He walked in trying to be happy for the soon to be Ex-Captain. Trapper could see right through him. </p><p>“Hear, you want a drink?” Trapper asked. Not waiting for an answer as he handed the tumbler to him.</p><p>Radar took a swig as soon  as he got it. Inhaling after he felt that all to familiar burn. “Mm, hear.” He passed his gift off to Trapper.</p><p>Trapper smiled inspecting the small gift wrapped in month old newspaper. It took hardly any effort to unwrap it, relieving a picture of the four of them. Henry and Radar close together in the back of the Jeep with Trapper on the hood, everyone's attention was on Hawkeye. Laughing as he was falling off the Jeep. </p><p> “Hey!” He laughed out, “God, what a night. A birthday you won't forget I hope?”</p><p>Radar smiled at him. “Nope, not at all.” looking down at his drink. “I’m sorry your last night isn’t as crazy…”</p><p>“Stop that,” Trapper sat them both down. “I have had enough crazy nights to last me a long time.” </p><p>They both chuckled and all too quickly the room was quiet.</p><p>Trapper sighed sipping on his own drink. “Can I be honest with you?”</p><p>“Aren’t you always?”</p><p>Trapper rolled his eyes, looking down at Radar. “I’m scared. I’m so scared. Getting back to normal, leaving you with that mad man. And...”</p><p>Radar started to hold himself nodding in agreement. His memory bringing him back to that last day with the Colonel. How the last time he could use his gift he shook it off, saying he just didn't want Henry to leave. Nothing felt right that day even holding him goodbye. It felt like he was already gone. </p><p>He gulped down his drink hoping it will undo the knot being formed. Radar hated that he couldn't even tell if one of his best friends will make it home safe. </p><p>“Yeah well, if i don’t get a call I’ll know you made it out alive.” Holding back crying, he got up making his way to the door but Trapper took him by the arm. Holding him tight. </p><p>“You have not cried once.”</p><p>“I don’t want to.” </p><p>“You need to.”</p><p>“Why?” </p><p>“You’re hurting yourself if you don’t.”</p><p>“I don’t need to.” Radar was starting to get frustrated.</p><p>But Trapper didn't care. He held onto this stubborn Corporal. Looking down at him seeing him fight with his emotions and wanting to leave. He didn’t trust letting Radar go. </p><p>Trapper could only bring himself to kiss the top of his head, over and over again, Radar was starting to calm down, soon tears welled up in his eyes. He finally broke down. </p><p>Two weeks of keeping it all in and now he was pouring it out on Trappers last night. </p><p>Trapper didn't mind, he just held on to the little guy gently rubbing his back, and soon he was asleep. </p><p>Putting the small pile of pent up emotions in his now old bunk, Trapper looked down at him. Brushing soft curls out of his face. </p><p>“Henry, look at this beautiful disaster you left.” Taking Radars glasses off and getting his stuffed bear, he finally looked like he was getting proper sleep. Trapper looked up, softly whispering “Please don’t let me meet you in the waters.”</p><p> And before he knew it Father Mulcahy was here to pick him up.</p><p>“Are you ready my son?” </p><p>“Yeah just one thing,” Trapper went and leaned down, softly waking up Radar.</p><p>“Sir?”</p><p>“It’s not sir anymore.” He smiled at the gentle laugh Radar let out. “Hay, I need you to give Hawk something for me.”</p><p>“Hm?” </p><p>Trapper gave him a small kiss on the cheek, laying him back down. Radar reached up, Trapper catching his hand. Soft goodbyes were given. </p><p>Radar didn't want to let go, like he didn't want to let go of Hawkeye, or his mama, or Henry. But he knew he had to. </p><p>He watched him leave without knowing if he was going to be alright. He was curled up, alone. Only his teddy bear to muffle out his cries.</p>
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